Peace Of Mind
by Heta Noitio
Summary: [PostGlühen] Yoji notices that moms are always right. However, things can change even if not the way you'd like them to. Even the ones who make mistakes can find a peace of mind.


**Title:** Peace Of Mind  
**Author:** Heta Noitio  
**Rating:** T  
**Genre:** angst (slightly)  
**Pairing:** not really (a little Yoji/Itou Asuka)  
**Warnings:**SPOILERS to Kapitel and Glühen  
**Disclaimer:** Weiss Kreuz belongs to Takehito Koyasu and Project Weiss.

**A/N:** Not betaed. Spell-checked with MS Works. 2209 words, according to same program.

* * *

You should've seen me when I was young and still lived in USA. I was far prettier then: my hair wasn't this darker shade of gold, it looked more like a halo than a jar of honey poured on my head. My eyes... They were green then, but more joyful: shadows in them weren't there. I was often claimed as uninhibited, wild and attractive.

Well, truth to be told, nothing of that has changed. Maybe I'm more tamed, now.

I should have listened with both ears instead of one when my Mom told me I was going to have some serious troubles in my life if I would continue living the way I lived then. But I didn't. I practically laughed at her face and continued my partying and womanising.

I was invincible, then.

But I bitterly noticed later, after I'd left the country and moved to Japan, that she was right like moms always are: I had been through a broken marriage, gained some deadly foes and left behind my work as an assassin and a dead partner from my P.I. days.

Asuka... How I miss her. Not as much as some years ago, I have to admit it to myself. Meeting her - or maybe just Neu - made me more jaded than before. Life can be really cruel.  
After her first death, I blamed myself. I should've done things differently, I should have made her wear a bullet-proof vest... Anything.  
But after her second death, I blamed the world. She was picked up by the enemy, made Neu by that son of a bitch the world knew as Takatori Masafumi.

And then there's always the chance that she was just some woman who looked like my ex-lover - and sounded like her, acted like her, even goddamned _smelled_ like her - and loved... loved Masafumi so much that she agreed to play my girlfriend for a while.

Somehow, I don't really believe in that.

Schwarz really wasn't as much trouble as Schreient ever. They didn't try to kill us: I noticed it sometime before the tower collapsed. They beat us up badly, yeah - but never hit to kill. Only hurt. Besides, Schuldig and Crawford helped us out of trouble in Estet's shrine.  
Schreient was another thing, as Masafumi wanted to get rid of us. But those bitches were downright crazy, they lost their chance somewhere along the way.  
I'm not sure, but that young one with blue hair and an umbrella, she might be still alive. But since she hasn't been a threat to us, I'm not worried about her.

What are those guys doing now? I have no idea. Or, well, I know that the telekinetic kid - or more likely a young man, he hasn't really been a kid ever, it seems - works as Omi's-- no, Mamoru's bodyguard. The rest of Schwarz has disappeared. I hope they stay gone.

My Mom would've been happy to find out I was married. Then she'd understand what I said: was.

* * *

I woke up in a hospital, my head bandaged and my memory totally gone. I couldn't remember my name, or why I was so badly injured. Nothing.  
Itou Asuka was there when I woke up: a sweet, young nurse. Well-behaving, beautiful, sincere and happy.

After I got out of the hospital I proposed her. She answered yes and kissed me shyly. I thought I'd fallen in love again. Our wedding wasn't small because her whole family was there. And believe me, her family was huge. Aunts, cousins, grandparents, nieces and nephews - there must've been sixty people, all her relatives.  
Life was sweet with her. The doctors had said that my memory was not likely to come back, but I could live with it. I had my wife and my job (which I'd gotten by Asuka's step-brother Bob). I didn't expect things to change.

But I had to notice again, the world had other plans for me.

I became restless. No matter how hard I tried, the urge to find out about my past grew too strong: I started to collect little details. From my clothes, those one I'd worn when I was hospitalised, to little things I noticed about myself. Whenever I saw a beautiful woman, I wanted to flirt with her. My fingernails were a bit yellow in my right hand: I had smoked. I recognized a great amount of flowers.

I figured out that I'd been a florist and a chain smoker. But after I noticed I was touching my wife's violin's strings longingly, I became suspicious. Did I play an instrument? I tried the violin but my wife told me to stop when neighbours complained about our "cat".  
There was a guy, a police, who'd became almost my friend at some parties I'd been with Asuka, so I decided to ask his help.

Research turned out successful: there were zillions of flower shops in Tokyo, but there were some people who remembered a blond florist who flirted with women and chain smoked. Sadly, I heard, he and his friends had moved away and some girls ran the shop now. Koneko no Sumu Ie, its name was.  
I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. Moving away and my injuries at the hospital - a broken leg, several cuts and other wounds - just didn't match.

One cloudy day I found myself in my car, heading towards the Koneko. I parked my car and walked casually to the front door. I spent some time watching in: beautiful flowers blossomed inside, because of the chilly weather none of the plants were outside. They'd used to be, I noticed when a flash of _something_ crossed my mind: a young blond boy carrying a flower pot and a brunette teasing him about something.  
I knew I was on right place: all I had to do was gather the courage to step in.

It took me only five minutes. "Konnichi wa!" I chirped when I stepped inside. "It surely is cold outside."

"Konnichi wa!" answered a dark-haired girl. She wore a pink apron and was watering plants near the cash register. "How can I help you?"

I scratched my neck, not sure what to say. "I need help", I finally blurted out. "I... It's a long story, but I'll shorten it a bit for you."

The girl looked surprised, but nodded and stood still. "Go on."

Maybe she thought I was some lunatic who wandered around the city telling his odd tales. But I told her mine anyway.  
"I woke up in a hospital a little less than a year ago. I couldn't remember anything, not even my name. But I made some research and found out that I might have been working in here. I used to smoke, and", I blushed. I didn't know why, somehow it just seemed that this girl was more modest than the others. "... I used to flirt with girls, a lot."

Her eyebrows wrinkled but she shook her head. "I'm sorry, I wish I could remember... Hold on a second!" She placed her watering can on the floor and hurried towards the green room. "Maybe Sakura can help you, she's been here longer than me."

I knew I'd hit the right spot when Sakura came. She looked annoyingly familiar and blanched when she saw me.

"It cannot be..." she whispered, looking horrified. "They told me... They told me you were dead!"

Something snapped. I was so close...! "Who was dead?" I gripped her shoulders and shook her, maybe a bit more roughly than I should have. "Who am I?"

Sakura smiled dazedly, sadly. "Yoji... You are Kudou Yoji. Don't you remember?"

Like a flood, my memory returned. I could remember again.

And then I blacked out.

After that, everything went wrong. I drove back home, not as Itou Ryo, but as Kudou Yoji. An assassin. A killer.

I wasn't ashamed, though. I remembered what it was like, it was like nothing has changed. Like I hadn't spent a year of my life in somewhere else. All the habits I'd formed as Ryo melted away, leaving only me left.

Asuka was waiting for me at home. She asked where I had been and I told her. At the flower shop. I told her that I remembered now, that I had been a florist. I gave her a peck to the cheek and went to bed.  
I didn't tell her everything because I didn't want to hurt her. Not much, anyway: I couldn't stay with her anymore, everything was different now.

And when I got up to get a glass of water - not much sleep for me - I heard her speaking to phone.

"I think we have a problem", she said. "He told me he visited the flower shop. He remembers." A moment's silence. "No, Rex, he didn't say. Yes, I think he thinks I know nothing."

A piece of something in my throat made my eyes wet and prevented me from speaking. She worked for Kritiker... I silently backed to our bedroom and sat down. I had only hours left before Kritiker would be after me again. I got up suddenly, opened my suitcase and threw it to bed. I started packing my clothes.

As I heard footsteps, I silently hid behind the door. "Ryo", I heard Asuka saying, "where are you?" Then she saw the suitcase and gasped silently. I stepped from behind the door and pressed a certain point in her neck. She fell limply to my arms.

"I'm sorry, Asuka", I whispered as I lied her on the bed and continued my packing. "I can't do this any other way. I _want_ my freedom."

When my clothes were packed - I smiled grimly at the loss of clubbing clothes - I collected a few more things before I left the house. I took my own car though I knew I'd have to leave it soon. They would find it too easily.

I headed for the Koneko for one last time. I could recall myself hiding a spare watch to my room and I went after it. Luckily, Sakura and Aya-chan - I refused to think about my team mates at that point - slept one floor below my room so I wasn't heard or seen.

The bulgy watch was where it was supposed to be. I held it for a while and pulled the wire out. I managed to cut my finger. My skills were rusty after so long pause, but I would practice and control the wire perfectly again. I didn't have a clue what for, but I wanted to.

I left the shop silently and drove away, planning on flying to Europe and getting a job or money. My former life was totally gone, I'd gotten my fresh start.

But not in a way I'd liked to.

* * *

I haven't heard a word of Kritiker, no one has tried to contact me. Maybe they thought I wasn't worth the effort. Maybe they just didn't find me useful anymore and decided I wasn't a threat to them.

I had a wife and a happy life and I lost both, partly because my own actions.  
A year ago I regretted: I could've stayed away from the Koneko. But maybe things were meant to go that way. Maybe that Asuka was just like Neu: only pretending to be my lovely wife.

I'm happy we didn't decide to have kids.

Germany really is a lovely place, you should see it at summer. There are of course a lot of tourists, but Rein is flowing wildly. I love to sit by the river, I have a small apartment in an apartment house there, at the first floor. Listening to the flow is calming, relaxing, even. I've found my peace of mind, sort of.

Several years ago, before my amnesia, I did here some things I'm not proud of - murders - but I try to forget them. And if I can't do that, I can at least try to learn how to live with them.

I haven't heard about my team mates, even. I think Mamoru is doing well in Japan. He's 22 now, not the kid I once knew - when you think about it, he hadn't been that kid in a long, long time anymore. Everyone change, I guess.

One day, I thought I saw bright orange hair in the mall when I was looking for a pair of black gloves - I was going to clubbing, I'd re-formed some of my old habits, though I don't smoke like a chimney anymore.  
I was stunned, couldn't move. After a few minutes I was able to finish my shopping.

That night I got drunk and crawled home very late.

Was it Schuldig? I don't know. If it was, he definitely didn't contact me even if he noticed me - and if it was him, I'm pretty sure he did.

But I'm not going to try to contact him, either. Even if he is the only person from my past who I've met, he was my enemy. I don't know if he is anymore, but I'm not going to find out.

My past is buried, finally.

* * *

**A/N: **I just felt like writing something and I started to write. It turned out like this, some kind of a peek inside Yoji's mind after Glühen. I hope you liked it, I'm quite content with it myself. 


End file.
